Viewings & Old Memories

Last night I went to a viewing to show my support for an old co-worker whose father passed away last week. I did not know his father so I had no connection to him at all. No tears were shed and I was fine, I was there to show my condolences to Michael and his family. Having lost most of my family and many friends, viewings are hard for me to go to. I fought with the decision of going or not going, but knew it was the right thing to do, so I went. Driving there… brought up many old memories of my family and friends whom I’ve lost. These are memories that I would rather not think about, because it takes me forever to turn that part of my brain back off. I signed the book, paid my respects, sat and talked to my other coworkers and then left. The pictures of what I saw keep replaying in my head along with the memories of ones I’ve lost before. I hate this… though I’m doing other things… these memories are playing back in my mind like an old slide show. So now I have to distract myself with work, stupid funny TV shows or movies and other things so my brain thinks about other things. Going to sleep is painful after a viewing because all I see is the body in the casket of everyone I’ve lost. My brain will not turn off. I know death is part of life and we all have to deal with it. I just wish my brain wouldn’t relive every viewing or funeral that I’ve ever been too. It is creepy and I rather not think about it anymore, I’ve moved on. Sometimes I wish I could just forget those days all together.