Warning - Venting Blog!

***Warning ---- This Blog is a pure venting blog and is written with a lot of hurt and anger. As you read this, you may think I am a true BITCH.... Which right now, I am and i think I have every right to be. I can't vent to anyone else right now... so this is the only place I can escape to. ****

My mom is smoking again.... and I am having a very, very hard time with it. She tried to hide it on our way down Saturday, but I saw the cigarettes when I looked in her purse. There were only a few and when I saw them I should have thrown them out. But I didn't. When we arrived at the house we are staying at... I was outside talking with my mom ( I followed her when she went outside). Dad was walking the dog and came back up and was talking with us, then Dad and I started walking back to the house, Mom stayed still. Dad then turned to her and said are you going to have a cigarette and she just had this blank stare on her face. I then turned around and told her..."You don't have to hide it, I know you are smoking again" and I walked away. But I couldn't leave it at that. I went into the house and then went back outside to confront her about it. I got the BS answer I was expecting to hear from her. This whole thing with her arm has really scared her. She says she doesn't even finish one and doesn't even need it... Blah.. Blah.. Blah crap. But do you think , she has stopped since Saturday. NOPE! And oh smart one.... do you think you picking up smoking again is going to help you if you have to have surgery to fix your arm. You can't lift your arm up... but you can sure lift those smokes to your mouth! How fucking smart are you!!!! UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Every time I hear her go outside, or see her smoking the anger grows even deeper. I love my mom, but right now, I HATE her! I do! It is wrong to say that about any parent, but at this moment in my life I do. It kills me because, I know that if she continues to do this that she will end up like my grandmother dead @ 69 (or before). All because of the damn cigarettes. She stopped smoking at the beginning of the year, for what I thought would be for good. Now I thought that she had been smoke free for 9 months, but since she said she's been smoking for few weeks now, I don't even know what to believe. She could have been smoking the entire time for all I know. My mom lies....a lot! I hear one thing from Dad and present it to her and she tells me know, and she feeds me BS that she thinks I want to hear and she thinks she is smart. Just like Mom Mom use to do. Her smokers cough is back, worse now.... She can hardly breath....she goes right for her inhaler as soon as she comes back in from having a smoke. Ummm... Hello, your body is telling you NOT to smoke! What part of that don't you get!!!! UGH!!!!!!!!

I know this seems like a BS Blog, and I should stop bitching about my mom, but I can't. I know she is an adult and can do what she wants but she is killing herself. And I can't just stand around and let her do it. I've been in a pretty pissy mood all vacation, because I'm upset with her. To the point that I don't even want to talk to her. And I think she knows it.


I know if she continues, I will push myself further and further away from her, to the point I didn't think I would ever get with her. I will become numb and write her our of my life, like I did my Uncle. When as he was dying... I didn't look at him and fell sad that he was dying of liver failure. I was numb... All I remember thinking.. is you got what you deserved. I hope all the partying and drinking was worth it. Well... I hate to say this, but that is probably the attitude that I'll have with my mom. As she is hacking up a lung and can't breath. I'm not going to ask her if she is okay... I'm just going to ignore her. If she is too fucking stupid to figure out that crap is going to kill her... then fine... if that is the way you want to go out...then smoke away. But damn it... don't look to me for compassion or sympathy when your lying in the hospital with oxygen hooked up to you or your on a ventilator. And oh yea... I remember this decision you made to start smoking again, when the grandkids come around. Hope those little sticks will bring you lots of joy. Because, I will not be bringing them to see you if you still are smoking. Think I won't... Keep smoking and you'll find out.