Getting it all out tonight....(REALLLY LONG BLOG)

I bet this is the last Blog you probably look at since, I haven't written anything in almost three weeks. I'm terrible...I know, I'm sorry! I guess I've been avoiding getting all the things that have been bothering me out. I'm just going to start typing away, and hope this crap makes sense when I'm done... So bare with me on this... (Nikki... you'll be proud of me!)

My Mom... I love her, I really do. But she just makes me so mad sometimes. I hate that fact that she is still smoking when the doctors have told her to stop, since my dad had all the issues with his heart. He almost died twice, and my mom still smokes around him, because he's doing much better. So she thinks life can just fall back to the way things were. Which to here is... Smoke, sit in the kitchen and watch TV, go to work, come home, get changed into her PJ's 30mins after coming home. Watch dad make and serve her dinner when he's off, smoke, go to bed and then sleep till when ever she decides to wake the hell up. Is she depressed? YES!!! She's on medication for it. Has it helped? NO!!!! Is she better then she was 10 years ago when my grandmother, brother and uncle died (all from her side of the family), of course she is. But if you ask me, she loves to live in the past. She can't move forward... At one point I thought she was finally coming out of her shell and getting better, and that was for my wedding. She was helping with plans, we went shopping together, we did what every mother and daughter should do. That lasted for a little while and then it all stops. I can't get her to go shopping. I'd love to call her up and say, " Hey mom, I'll be over in about an hour to pick you up to go to the mall." But I can't. Why? Because, she wakes up, sits at the kitchen table, smokes, and watches a little 13 inch TV. Talks to my dad, watches more TV...drinks soda, or beer (god help me if she drinks beer, she drinks it like water) watches more TV. Eats dinner, watches more TV and goes to bed. DOES NOT take a shower, get changed out of her PJ's until she is forced to leave the house to go to work, or to the doctors. If I do suggest that we do something together, she says... we'll see, and it never fucking happens!!!!! I hate it, it kills me to think, that I will NEVER have a mom that I can remember doing stuff with. I have this hate that takes over me, for all the stuff I wish we'd do together. I make suggestions and get shot down. At one point, I thought he really did hate me, and that she wished I was dead instead of my brother. But that was years ago, and I don't think that anymore. So now, I've come to the realization that I may never have the relationship with my mom that I want and that I've grown to except. We talk on the phone every now and again. Over the past few months, I've not called as often as I did, because there really isn't much to talk about, she would just piss me off complaining about the same shit, she' complained about for years before. If we do talk, it 's not about much. I keep it pretty short and sweet. I can't even tell you the last time she's called me to see how I'm doing. She HATES the fact that my dad and I talk more then she and I do, and that we do lunch together on his days off. And you know how I feel about that.... GOOD, let her be mad! Then maybe it will sink in that perhaps if she made an attempt that just maybe, I'd stop by for lunch or even go to dinner with her since my dad works nights. Wouldn't that be lovely. Dinner with my mom. She doesn't have to pay.. we can split the bill.. just spending time alone would be great. But I know that won't happen. So dad and I will do lunch and continue to have a great father daughter relationship. And mom and I will just... well.. you get the idea. I fear for the day that, I have to tell her I'm not bringing her grandchild into her house because she's smoking. Once I find out I'm pregnant, she has nine months to stop smoking...if she doesn't then it look like, she'll be traveling down to my house to see her grandbaby... Oh well.. enough about that.

Speaking of children...the past couple of weeks, I've been dying inside! WHY? Because I don't have a child of my own yet. I'm not pregnant, we are trying like hell and still nothing. But I know my day will come and I must be patient, but my patients are running really thin lately. Mom's and their babies are all around. I'm smiling on the out side, but am crying on the inside, when I see them. THIS PCOS shit is not fair. I get so angry...I could scream. People ask if I have any kids and I tell them no, but we're trying and the go. OH! OH!!! What the hell is OH!!!! Come on, just say, Oh, how sad for you!!!!! My yearly check up is coming up soon and at that point, I will talk to the doctor about doing more in depth tests to see what's going on. Then we’ll go down the road to whatever the results take us down. I'm trying to stay positive about this whole thing, but sometimes it's just too damn hard!!!!!!!!!

Friends...God are they confusing! One minute you can be someone's best friend and the next, you don't talk to them for weeks or months, just because life happens. To all my friends out there, I'm sorry for not calling and finding out how you’re doing. But then again...my phone isn't ringing off the hook lately either. I'm sorry that I'm not part of the "Mommy Club". Whatever happened to just calling someone just to say HEY, or send them a card so they know your thinking about them. I did it all the time, and the I realized, I was ALWAYS the one doing. SO I stopped and sat back to see how long it would take for someone to ask me how I was doing, instead of me always asking them how they are doing. Well I'm still waiting on some to still ask me. But trust me, I'm not losing any sleep over it, not anymore at least. I'm stopped worrying about other people, and have really tried to focus on me for a change and so far it's worked. So to my friends.. I'm still here, if you want to talk, just don't expect me to drop and run to your rescue anymore. It's my time now...

I had an emotional break down in front of my husband two weeks ago... I was mentally done. I cried, he cried... and then I just stopped. I stopped worrying about everything and did what I could do at that time... Since that breakdown, I've been much happier... My head is clear, and I'm enjoying the little things again. Guess that was my bodies way of saying you've had enough. Last week, I had a few days off with my husband, we did what we could, and if it didn't get done. I really didn't care. I wasn't pushing myself... I took some advice for my friend Nikki and just relaxed. I came back to work on Monday, with a clear head. It was great..Boy did I need that time off...

Florida in three week... Can't wait... My brother-in-law is graduating from College, so we are flying down to see him graduate. I'm so proud of him. Can't wait to go, we're leaving the day before the rest of my husbands family fly's out, so we have some fun time for ourselves before they get there. Can't wait. It will be a short trip, but a nice little get away.

I don't know if any of this crap makes sense to anyone who's reading it... if you’re even still reading. This was something I've been meaning to do for the longest time, but just hadn't had the right opportunity to sit and type this all out. Now it's done and now I can move one and enjoy blogging again... Like my really good friend Charlise told me when she got me into this whole blogging thing... "It's really cheap therapy!" She was right!!! Thank you Charlise!!!!!